Tuesday, June 8, 2010

What you don't know about your class...

Warrior: Open your spell book and in there you will find an ability previously thought lost forever. I doubt you have ever used it. It’s called Sell. That’s right, my actively aggressive friends, when activated the Warrior becomes a door to door salesman, displaying the charisma and vivacity of the most successful salesman in the world. If a buyer attempts to refuse your foot will go into their metaphorical door until they relent. Yes, my good warriors, you have a way to force your leetness onto everyone around you.

Druid: You currently have Mark of the Wild, which does something positive I assume. But did you know that you also have Mark of the Wild Animal? That’s right, by Druid brothers and sisters. No longer will other classes infringe on your way of life, no longer will anyone take your home from you, no longer will anyone approach your humble abode without smelling the mark that you left on all the trees, rocks and bushes in the area. Some call it Marking your Turf, but since you can take the form of various animals, and luckily even a tree, you may want to consider marking yourself, you know, just so that nobody else tries to take you away and make you their castle slave. Pee on, my friends.

Mage: Mirror Images, bah! Try out your new spell, Mirror Mirror on the Wall. When activated, a mirror with the face of a shadowy and weird looking, green faced dude will appear and tell you that you are the best in the world. Nobody trumps a mage, nobody. Who is cute and cuddly and full of fire blasting hurt? That’s right, Mages. Who will freeze your blood and stop your heart? Right again, Mages. Your Mirror Mirror on the Wall will remind you of these supernal truths every day of your life. Yes, you are special.

Paladin: “What? I can’t hear you, see I’m kinda in this bubble thing!” Ugh, Paladins. Let me know when you’re done.

Rogue: Here’s something Rogues didn’t know they could do, it’s an ability called Reappear. We are all familiar with the Rogue’s ability to go into stealth and vanish (is that still broken?), but when they really want to surprise people all a Rogue needs to do is Reappear. Of course most will believe that it’s not the actual Rogue, because what Rogue would be so stupid as to stand there visible to the world. No, it must be a statue or hologram or something. And just as your foe has given up on sense and reason and walks by, you can stab ‘em in the back; shouldn’t be hard for you Rogues.

Huntard, er Hunter: Your hidden, special ability is unique. It’s a weapon rarely believed to have the probability of existing; all you have to do is push the little button Control Pet and Speak with Words. The first action will be for the pet to stay by the side of the hunter to be close enough to read the Hunter’s mind. Once it gets past the recital of the ABC’s, it will attack the Hunter’s target. After the targeted mob dies, the Hunter will say to its pet “Don’t run off into a random group of mobs, come right back to my side and stay until we fight again”. Those words were not previously in the Hunter’s vocabulary, but now they can be if you utilize Control Pet and Speak with Words.

Warlock: One time a Warlock friend of mine tried to look into a Mage’s Mirror Mirror on the Wall and fainted. When he was finally revived he was asked what could possibly have caused him to faint. He replied, “Esimed nwo ym.” Weird. Locks, you’ve really got to stop using Mage spells, and I mean now! Stick to Affliction or Demonology, leave fire throwing to the professionals.

Shaman: What ability does a Shaman not possess? A lot, actually, but until they do there is one more forgotten spell, or should I say totem (a Shaman isn’t complete without their complete set of totems). Totem of Jealousy. Which are the most versatile hybrids in the game? Paladin, Druid, Shaman. There are other semi-hybrid types, but of these three in particular, which hybrid can’t tank? You got it, Shaman. The Totem of Jealousy unleashes the power of every Shaman’s inner desire to tank, effectively increasing armor and stamina by 25,000 for 30 seconds. When the effects wear off the Shaman rolls in to a little ball and cries until his mommy coddles him to sleep. “I just wanted to tank, mommy, all the other hybrid boys and girls get to, I just wanted a chance.” Get a grip!

Priest: If Paladin’s weren’t self righteous enough, Priests can now be equally so with an ability of the same name, Self Righteous. Upon activation the Priest blows up into a giant ball of light, filling the room with their glowing perfection, healing everyone in sight, even if that’s not their job, because they are Light embodied. 1 Second Cooldown, because Priests will always want to feel Self Righteous. Or was this the Paladin's special ability, I always get confused.

Death Knight: The best is saved for last. The Death Knight burst onto the scene in Wrath and has since suffered many highs and lows in how the class is viewed by the others. King Varian held a banquet in honor of all the heroes that have defeated the Lich King. His summons was to bring a representative of every class to his Keep to award them with especial honors. After awarding 9 special medals of honor he concluded the festivities with a toast, “To all the living who made the undead, really dead.” To which the Death Knight present stood up, pressed #4 on his keyboard, and left Crying to his Mommy. Definately a strange synergy between Shammys and DK's, hmmm.

I wanted to share these very special and previously unknown abilities with you all. There are so many websites that can tell you everything you think you know, but I thought it was time to give the people something they don’t actually know.

(On a serious note, I know that we all love our main class, and also those of our various alts – this connection is good, it’s healthy, it helps us all to become better at what we do; killing, tanking, or healing).

My tongue, ladies and gentlemen, has been stuck to the inside of my cheek for quite some time. Maybe one day I’ll actually write a theorycrafting post on one or more classes. Uh, then again maybe not, then I’d be responsible for my actions, and I wouldn’t want that.

Thank you, as always for your visits. I hope you continue to stop by and enjoy the mad ramblings here at Deuwowlity.

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