Friday, October 15, 2010


Introverts are a funny sort, I should know. We keep things bottled up until they explode, and when that happens good things DON'T tend to follow. But can they? Will they ever? A variable longed for in my life is hope.

I've been out of sorts this week. Preoccupied. My thoughts have been scattered and remote. I've been unable to think clearly; lack of sleep does that to you. Where are my friends? Where did my heart go? What happened to my inspiration?

Disclosure: I'm going to speak of incredibly personal things, so if you don't want to know or are not in the mood for that kind of stuff, please don't read on. I will do better next week.

Out of the Darkness - Or Into it?
Anyone who has read my little sliver of the blogosphere for any semi-significant amount of time know that I merge the personal with the game. I am a person playing a game, that there would be crossover is natural and inevitable, and each person experiences the merging of life and game to varying degrees.

Not long ago I stopped blogging for about a week, perhaps slightly more or less, because my wife had been hospitalized. Much to our shock, it's happened again this week. If it were just me and her that would be one thing, I may cry myself to sleep at night and not think twice about it. But I've got two kids who live to love their parents, and it's incumbent upon me to keep them calm and help them understand that their mother isn't going to die, will be able to come home, but unknown to us as to when. To help them deal the best way possible I need to present a strong exterior, or they will get scared. I need to encourage them to talk to me about their feelings, knowing the good that comes from expression. But I cannot reciprocate, I cannot lay my worries on an Eight-Year-Old child. It's not fair to him because he's not emotionally equipped to handle the stress of caring for an adult.

But my heart burns.

I have my parents living close by, and I have a friend that is in a position to help me as well. My wife's best friend helps by picking up the kids from school and such, so there's no lack of support in my life. But still I'm an introvert, and in order to function at all at work and around my kids I need to put on a cold exterior - if I don't I know I'll break down and absolutely lose it!

Music & Writing
I've changed directions with the song I'm attempting to write. Wait. Are you saying that you're going through with this thing, Gronthe? Go and be with your family, it's ok. As I was saying, I'm still attempting to write, and the reason is so that I can channel this emotion in a way that will be both meaningful to me and allow me to tether myself to the real world that I enjoy. Writing, blogging, is what I do because I wish to express myself, not to become popular and have 1,000 readers a day. So I'm continuing to write a song, but don't be surprised if it sounds familiar to my own life, but with obvious WoW overtones.

I play because it's fun and it helps to clear my mind. I play because it's something I can do with my kids, especially since soccer is out of the questions. I play because of my childhood, my teen years, and my adult experiences. I write because I have a hard time expressing myself vocally. Usually when I make the attempt I break down emotionally or end up stuttering myself into incoherent nonsense. Writing, though definately not a master, let's my fingers talk, let's my mind say those things I need to say when saying those things aloud would mean certain tears.

The Song/Musical
I'm still gonna do it. Out of the darkness that is the unknown fate of my wife has come feeling. If I fail to express this feeling it would result in negativity. I need to be allowed to be creative on my terms, and even at night when I know she's resting comfortably and safely, I will be channeling myself into song.

The music I cannot vouch for, I'm not a great musician, but the lyrics at the very least will have meaning, as much for you as they do for me.

I apologize for not being myself lately, I just can't help it. There are things happening in the game that I have opinions about, and I'll share those as both time permits and inspiration abounds. I may be working on my song project a little longer than I first imagined, but it'll definately be done before Thanksgiving, and possibly as early as next week. Time right now is never-ending. Days run into nights which turn into hours of waking and sleeping and confusion.

To everyone out there, I hope you are enjoying the changes in the patch. Late at night when I can't sleep I too have had the chance to feel the power given to many spellcasters, and it's a sight to behold. May your weekend be filled with good moments, memorable sights and sounds, and simple joys such as a fine game with fine friends. Good morning/afternoon/evening/night to you all!

1 comment:

LarĂ­sa said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your wife and your struggles. Being a grownup can be a pain sometimes when you'd like just to hide under a blanket. Writing can ease the pain a bit at least for some of us. It's a way to get it out of your system. Who cares if you write about rl or WoW. Just write on and feel the relief. I hope there's time for you to escape into WoW as well, even if just briefly. To reload and get the energy to keep going.

I hope you've touched the bottom now and that thing will get better.

Hugs and thoughts from your blogging friends out there