Monday, October 11, 2010

The Ultimate Troll Debate Guide

(Disclaimer: The following post is...oh, forget it. I've got nothing to apologize for. Enjoy!)

Teacher: What is a Troll?

Student #1: (Raising hand) A Troll is a mythological creature, believed to live in mountains, caves, or rocks. They are big, ugly, and stupid, and believed to turn to stone from contact with direct sunlight. Trolls can be man eaters, but they will usually go for any sort of meat, including Dwarf & Hobbit meat (the best way to cook them, however, is still up for debate).

Student #2: Pfft, student #1 is a real kiss-butt lol!

Student #3: As student #2 nicely describes, a Troll, sometimes known as an Internet Troll, is somebody who makes inflammatory comments on internet discussion forums, chat rooms or blogs. The primary goal of the Internet Troll is to provoke an emotional response from other readers.

Student #2: LOL noob #1, you just got pwnd!

Teacher: Thank you class, very well put #3. #1, you are correct also, but that is not the kind of troll we will be discussing today. I would like to take the opportunity to teach you, class, how to best formulate the most effective and logical responses to a Troll in an attempt to once and for all win the debate against them.

Student #2: This is so gay!

Teacher: On that note, shall we begin?


a. The first step in the process is to identify a Troll. Currently, WoW allows users to /Ignore people for whatever reason they choose. Another player could be an ex-girlfriend, a bookie always asking you when you are going to pay him back, your 6th grade teacher (eew!), or in some cases Trolls, whose posts in trade chat are abhorrent to the point that you refuse to read the refuse the Troll is spewing. What we’re going to implement is another list, in addition to Friends and Ignore, it will be a Troll list.

b. A Troll List will help you separate people into categories, you know, just like segregation used to do. The point that 20% of the accounts on any given realm have placed any toon of another, singular account on their Troll list, that account, including all his/her toons, will be branded with a huge Scarlet T – for Troll. When they post in any in-game chat (trade, party, raid, etc) their name and post will appear in bright Scarlet. In this manner, any consistent trolls can be easily identified, no matter which toon they play on because it will be able to distinguish the originating account.

a. Branding a Troll is the first and most important step into effectively debating them. The second step is to gather information on the Troll. Starting with Enhanced RealID. Anyone branded with a Scarlet T will be required to purchase the Enhanced RealID tool in order to continue playing on an active account.

i. NOTE: Here we must note that Trolls are infamous for getting around silly things like “paid accounts”, so Blizzard has created the best authentication tool to date to cope with this issue. The Cyborg Genesis project was launched in the year 2007, unknown to the public. It’s goal, to infiltrate a person’s home with nanobots capable of infecting any human in the world who plays a Blizzard game with an electronic tracer. This tracer activates when the person speaks into a microphone or types on a computer. Any where in the world a Troll can attempt to login, under any free trial account, and he will be recognized. The nanobots will only be activated when a player is branded as a Troll. Thus solving the issue of Trolls using other people’s accounts or switching accounts or using free trial accounts to harass the playing public. This project, now unveiled, will allow us to further our discussion on the Enhanced RealID.

b. Enhanced RealID gathers all personal information on the Troll. Name, age, home and cell phone, address, height, weight, hair color, eye color, personality traits, family members and all their personal info, credit card information, social security # info, education, etc, etc, etc. All this information will be viewable to those who have placed this Troll on their Troll list. Knowledge is Power. And handed the keys to the knowledge of the personal information of the Troll, you are now in a far more powerful position to debate with Trolls than ever before.

a. One of the great inventions of our age was the implementation by many governments of secret police, perfected by the Soviet Union in the 1970’s and 80’s. Now out of a job, former members of the secret police are available to you, the WoW player, at no cost except your soul. These secret police men and women (because women can be evil too) will be sent to the home of the Troll and can engage in a myriad of activities per your orders. See the following list:

i. Kidnapping
ii. Blackmail
iii. Torture
iv. Impersonating your favorite federal agency (IRS, SEC, Homeland Security, etc)
v. Brainwashing
vi. Singing show tunes on the front lawn of the Troll night and day
vii. Repossessing of home or vehicle
viii. Infiltrating the Trolls place of work, becoming their boss, firing them then black-balling the Troll in his/her community to deny them further employment opportunities
ix. Blogging (which falls under torture and brainwashing)

b. These secret police will do what Blizzard has never done, punish those guilty of Trolling. Just don’t ask them about their specific tactics, it’s a legal thing.

a. By following the above steps, you have now placed yourself in a powerful position to debate the trolls in your chosen chat channel. You will see guaranteed results in the form of…no more Trolling, Trolling with apologies attached, Trolling with unfinished sentences (See Secret Police), and Trolling with beautiful, poetic language that fills your heart with such joy that you take that branded Troll off your Troll list.

b. You have now guaranteed yourself a victory over all Trolls. If you find that your success is accompanied by a never-ending guilt for having ruined the personal lives of one or dozens of otherwise innocent people, just remember that you are having more fun than you ever were before, and all that water-boarding was TOTALLY WORTH IT!

1 comment:

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