Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Why Acronyms Will Destroy Civilization!

Let me begin with my conclusion. Acronyms will destroy civilization because it is a rapid deformation of language, which if continued at its present pace, will destroy our ability to communicate true thought. WoW is the breeding ground of the earth’s demise!

The Beginning
I am fortunate to have English (or American English) as my first language. Much of the world is compelled to learn English in school, and does so quite proficiently. In the US we have the elective to learn other languages, but nothing is mandatory and most fake their way through foreign language courses just to get the grade then forget everything they “learned” when the semester is done.

I have taken it upon myself to learn another language proficiently, however, and try to learn others. I read, write and speak near perfect Spanish. Actually, the particular version I speak is sometimes called Castellano (Castilian)! It’s still Spanish, but as we know the same base language can be spoken differently by different peoples around the world. English is spoken in the US, Australia and England, but we all know that they sounds very different from one another. My teaching came from Argentina, heavily influenced by Spain, from whence Castilian originated, thereby the language considered to be spoken in Argentina is Castellano (or Castilian) – though they have their own flare that they’ve added, which I love.

Over time languages change, words are added, taken away, spellings change, meanings change, etc. But very recently in our civilization there is a new language being spoken by the youth and even the older of the world, Acronym! I’m going to here and now call Acronym a new language, even though I know it technically isn’t, but it’s fun and helps me to focus my theme for this post so freakin’ roll with it, will ya!

Acronym has existed as a rogue, silently stealthing its way into languages across the world. With the advent of the personal computer, email, cell phones, and finally texting, Acronym has exploded into a worldwide phenomenon. Unstoppable, Acronym is now, after thousands of years, poised to take over the world and destroy human civilization as we know it. Acronym first planted its roots in video games more than two decades ago. Slowly unspooling itself from arcade to console to computer to cell phone based games, it’s now so deeply rooted in our civilizations psyche it may already be too late to quell.

Already the chosen language for cell phone texting, Acronym has invaded all MMO’s ever invented…ever. It’s emergence in WoW is not a coincidence, however, and has been planned for nearly 3,000 years.

OK, That Wasn’t the Beginning…This is… really!
3,000 years ago an ancient philosopher once said:

“The day efficiency is more important than constancy, shall be the day the earth takes her last breath. SISBD” -Philosopher Dude

So for 3,000 years, the great debate in the real scientific community isn’t whether man evolved from apes (not today’s subject, you’ll get banned for commenting about it), it’s been a raging debate over the meaning of those five letters, S.I.S.B.D. It does not translate into any known language of the day, but there are some theories floating around, some making more sense than others. Here is the list of the most famous probable translations.

SISBD = Sugar In Succulent Blueberry Dumplings!
SISBD = So, I suck Bob Dylan?
SISBD = Somewhere In Syria are Blue Dragons! (mostly discarded, not because Dragons don’t exist, but because of the use of the word “are” – scientists are strange)
SISBD = Shorter Installation Sessions Bring Drachmas! (Possible irony in use here)
SISBD = So It Shall Be Done! (Pff, that’s just stupid)
SISBD = Shadow Bolt > Incinerate > Shadow Bolt > Bane of Agony > Doomguard

In a conference this past June in Jerilisha (I forgot the country), it was decided by a panel of judges that SISBD’s true meaning as an acronym, which translated was a spell rotation for an Affliction Warlock. The philosopher, by using this acronym was saying that not only was the end of the world beginning 3,000 years ago, but also that the MMORPG World of Warcraft would be the vehicle that would drive our civilization into oblivion.

Stunned at such a powerful revelation, Activision Blizzard has maintained a tight lid on the news from the scientific community. But now we know that WoW is destroying Civilization by not only utilizing Acronym but demanding its usage by all players, old and young.

Don’t ever text? Too bad, learn Acronym or die! Not a tweeting kind of person, suck it! You must learn Acronym or you won’t be that 1M DPS for 25M ICC that can PST GS/ACHIEVE. That’s final and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Path of Enlightenment
I began my rebellion against Acronym nearly two years ago. I met someone else who also despised the power that Acronym had over WoW players. We met secretly in a room above a shop in Dalaran, talking of a world of complete sentences and verbs and adverbs. It was intoxicating. We were enlisted as official rebels by a guild leader who we felt truly understood our hate of Acronym. Day after day we would post recruitment ads in trade chat using nouns, verbs, adjectives and even a gerund once in a while (gerunds were always highly stimulating).

One day I was asked to join a group into Ice Crown Citadel 10 Man Raid Instance. I offered my services and was led by the raid leader into a room set aside for teaching new raiders. In this room I was faced with my deepest fears, from trash mobs to bosses to other damage dealers standing in fire (oh the horror). But it all had a purpose, to enlighten me and teach me the errors of my ways.

I am ever grateful to that raid leader for teaching me that Acronym love me, and I love Acronym. I don’t know how I could ever live without Acronym. You must understand that the philosopher had it wrong all those years ago, efficiency is not the death of mother earth, adverbs are.

I now sing the praises of Acronym to any and all who will listen to the truth. Whoever said, “Acronyms will destroy civilization because it is a rapid deformation of language, which if continued at its present pace, will destroy our ability to communicate true thought. WoW is the breeding ground of the earth’s demise!” is a poor soul in need of a hug, a nice guild, and some NAXX 25M as DPS, just pst GS/ACHIEVE for invite.


Tesh said...

Aided and abetted by Typo, no less.

Gronthe said...

@ Tesh: You really should be politically correct and call Typo "Alternative Spelling", it gets offended when you use its true name.

Rebecca said...

From one acronym-afflicted language lover to another: rofl

Gronthe said...

@ Rebecca: It took me over a year to get the courage to look up 'ROFL' on the internet. I am so out of it!

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