Thursday, February 4, 2010

Part 3...Unveiling of Motive

Let me get something straight, two days ago I said that I would write one post a day until I completed 3 posts that would ultimately unveil what my motives for playing WoW are. Well yesterday I was so unbelievably sick that I just couldn't post. Then Larisa the Innkeeper decided to chime in, waiting for my post, but it wasn't there. I felt terrible, just terrible, so I decided to post part one and two. Maybe it's my medicine, maybe it's just luck, but I feel well enough now to write, and not knowing how I'll feel tomorrow I'm going to post part 3 now (I also don't want to lose such a wonderful reader as Larisa).

If you haven't read part one or two I suggest you do, it gives the backdrop to the story I am telling.

Part 3...Unveiling of Motive

Cute girls? /Laugh. They are a thing of the past. Only one woman matters to me today, not 3 bent on devastaion and destruction of my skull. Music is still a part of my life, as are sports (but only in the viewing sense). I work professionally in business and still have the dream of owning my own theater one day. I believe in culture, I believe that a community is enriched by music and dance and theater. But moving on...

Two years ago I was involved in an accident at work, an accident that left me unable to walk for a couple weeks. I can walk today, but I live with a tremendous amount of pain. It's difficult to keep a steady job because I miss so much work due to my condition. Every avenue to help me feel better and fix my condition has been denied by both workers compensation law and private insurance companies. Nobody wants to put up the money necessary to help me, and I am not wealthy enough to do it without financial support.

So where am I? Stuck. The system has spit me out and stomped on my head (or back, since it's my back that's injured). I'm frustrated and scared. I've done nothing illegal, I only seek medical help, yet the law in my state, and many states in the US does not protect the worker but the businesses that employ. Law is not always right, we know that, but I find myself only 3 weeks from losing my current job (was just notified of that 2 days ago), I am handicaped, but not in a way that allows me to earn support from local or federal government or private sources of support, and there remain just a few things that I can physically do.

Two things I can do: I can live and I can remember.

The memories of my life are as fresh today as the day they all occured. It's a result of having a lot of time to think by myself, unhindered by a stern boss or nagging wife (just to be clear, my wife doesn't nag, she's perfect). Memories of my past have helped me put my present into perspective. Memories have helped me to not repeat past mistakes and search for new experiences. Memories keep me sane, in part.

I live life the best way I can now. I know I said I'm angry but I still hold out hope for a solution. I would love to be able to teach my kids how to throw a baseball or shoot a basketball, but those activities have been put on hold. Outside of work I live in two worlds, my church and my family (not necessarily in that order). Every day when I get home I have my family there waiting for me, smiling and happy to see their husband or dad get home from a hard and painful day at work. They bring me a light and a joy that I once thought I would find in cute girls, sports, music or business.

But I've learned none of those things were truly important to me. My family is what gives me life now. But I'm limited, and that makes my kids sad sometimes, and in turn leads me to tears. But a little more than a year ago while serfing the net I came accross an add for a free ten day trial for some World of Warcraft or something or other. I couldn't do a lot physically, but my eyes and fingers still worked just fine. So I tried it out.

I was engaged from the fist step I took into the Northsire Abby. What came flooding back to me were all the memories I had as a kid, playing games because I was too injured to participate in what other "normal" people were doing. In High School my games were singing and dancing, a diversion afforded to me because of physical injury and limitations. Now as an adult I am injured once more, and out of all things to divert me for brief moments at night I have a game that millions of others are playing all around the world. A MMO, a term I had never before heard of...why would I?

Soon after starting my kids saw this game and have rarely left my side since. Every day we play together, me and my boys. I've let them create a few characters of their own to explore Azeroth, and it makes me happy to see them excited because they enjoy the time we spend together.

I'm not a horrible father, however, I still talk to them, read to them, and help them with shcool projects and their cub scout stuff, but we still love to play WoW together every night.

All my life I've made plans, and it's always been some physical injury that has changed the course of my life. Those injuries have forced me to find other hobbies, other activities to engage in. Before my injury as an adult I spent time with my kids just like any other dad, perhaps better even. But now I spend a lot of time with them, and playing Wow together has simply given me more time to do even more stuff with them, even though I'm limited phycially.

I started to play WoW because, well, I could. There were no limitations on me physically. But more than that it was a lifetime of memories flowing back to greet me, to welcome me back into the world of games and fantasy. A new path that appeared out of trial.

I still play because it's one more thing to do to spend time with my kids, it makes us happy. I continue to play because it allows me to rest from the difficulites of my day, the pain. I know it's just a game, and I know that one day something new will open up in my life, but I'm going to ride this train as long as it's at the station.

If a motive is something (need or desire) that causes a person to act, my motive was my desire to feel relief. I'm relieved I can do something with my kids without them resenting me for not being able to walk or play outside with them. I'm relieved that there is a fun and fascinating diversion in my life that lets me be myself without interference from the world. I needed relief, and for now I've found it, and it's nice.


LarĂ­sa said...

I don't know what to say. I've got tears in my eyes. But your life story isn't just sad, it's also filled with hope and your never-cesing hope of overcoming difficulties, to always aim for more, no matter what... You write with humor, passion and skill. You're really talented. And even if I encourage a lot of upcoming bloggers I don't say that often. I believe in you as a writer.
Thank you for sharing this. You're new on the blogging scene and not many people will write it. But that's not important. What's important is that you've found your blogging voice.
You've got a journey to make, I believe. And I'm glad that I'll be able to follow it.

Thank you for sharing.

Gronthe said...

Thank you very much, that really means a lot to me.

I've always enjoyed and respected the power of words, I'm a huge literary fan now in life, but wasn't always. As a youth I was more interested in hitting .300 in baseball than reading. But as I aged I saw the beauty and genious of Shakespeare, Homer, Hugo and Tolstoy.

I hope to write on varied subjects, but always focusing on the one belief, in any game there is a blending of two elements, the character on screen (the matter/body) and the master at the keyboard (or the spirit). The two together share experiences as one.

Thank you again for your visits. I shall continue to speak no matter how many stop by for a visit, but to have even one is nice.