Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Long Lost Diary of Arthas

I found this in a mysterious place, somewhere in Azeroth. A book, a diary, presumably written by Arthas himself. Here was one of his last entries. It's disturbing, you may wish to look away.

Arthas: "Dear Diary, how are you today? What, not in the mood for chit-chat? You know I can destroy you, right? That's better, I knew you could talk. So how are you today? I know I asked that already, Diary, you're really starting to get on my nerves.

I had a bad dream last night, it was about ponies. These 5 ponies all dressed in pink battle armor came charging into my house while I was in the shower. Wouldn't ya know one of the first places they went to was my closet where I keep my sword. Did they really think I'd leave Frostmourne out in the open for no reason, a king's gotta shower, right?

One of the ponies asked me if he could marry my daugter! Funny, I didn't know I had kids. But I thought I would do the "Dad" thing and pretend that I would kill him, so he and his friends took off down the hall towards the back door. I kept saying creepy things, you know, just to intimidate the bloke...he wanted to get hitched to my daughter! I guess I'll have to figure out who the mother is someday.

Where was I? Oh yes, ponies. I love ponies, I always wanted one as a kid but my dad thought they were too dangerous. 'It'll kick your eye out' he kept saying. That's bull! I've never seen a pony kick out the eye of a kid. Never! I think I never got over that, I became angry. I mean, wouldn't you get angry if you didn't get the pony you always wanted? Well? C'mon, Diary, speak up! That's better, was that so hard?

I wanted a pretty blue and yellow pony with three magical horns and eyes that shown and lit up the forest paths at night. But nooooooooooo. What a bummer.

I had a second dream, it was a scary one. I dreamed that I was unemployed. Horrifying! I know I have the perfect job, I stay at home unless I need to do a hologram/video conference, and even then I use my stunt double. Ha! It's not even me those pesky ponies see.

Sometimes I feel like a burger, so I ask Patchwerk to cook me up something special. He usually comes back with gooey, slimey muck mixed with toenails or something gross. I think Spongebob could teach him the ropes of good fry cooking. Other than that I have a huge home that I didn't even have to pay a commission to a real estate agent for, yippee! People come and talk to me, and even spar with me from time to time. To think if it was all taken away one day, /shudder.

Thank you, Diary, for listening to me again. I know I can get sappy and sentimental sometimes, but that's just because I'm still mad at my daddy for not getting me a pretty pony when I was a boy. It's just a pony!"

The End

Ew, that was weird. Never figured Arthas had "daddy issues".

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