Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Perfect Instance

Read to the end, it's pretty funny!

I did it! After months and months of long nights and minimal sleep. After enduring mockery and public scorn. After utilizing every resource available to mankind, I have done it! I have created the perfect instance. One that will please the lazy casual who wants everything now and for free, and at the same time will challenge the most hard-core nostalgist (is that a word? who cares, it sounds really neat). Prepare yourselves, this will be unlike anything you have ever before seen or heard of.

The name of the instance will be called: The Ninth Circle!

This idea has nothing to do with religion, despite the obvious reference to Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy in which he travels through the 9 circles of hell. He does other stuff too, like visit purgatory and then the 9 circles of paradise (heaven). I'm just using Dante's poem as inspiration for my idea. There is no ideology, theology, or any other type of -ology inferred, it's just an idea for the perfect instance.

Here we go. Ready? Great!

The basic layout of the dungeon is straight forward, there will be literally 9 levels to pass through, each circular in shape, but with varying designs and themes for each level you pass though. The first circle you visit will be the easiest, and each subsequent circle will get harder and harder until you reach the ninth circle at the very bottom of the instance.

Upon completing the first circle you will be offered a choice by a very sexy siren (volunteers are welcome), who will give you the option to open a magical hatch and slide all the way down, bypassing levels 2-8, directly to the end boss in the ninth circle. More on this later in the show.

The other option is to say no to the sultry temptress and proceed with the instance circle by agonizing circle. Not agonizing in a boring way, but in a "wow, that hurt but felt really good" way. I won't go into detail about every circle, but I will give you a taste of a few of them.

Circle 1: We're all familiar with this play style, the tank will have to enter the room and pull all mobs to him/her. The DPS proceed to AoE every creature who is trying to kill the tank. After about 5 seconds of massive AoE fest, the room is cleared. Easy. Now given that you made the choice to continue circle by circle, here are a couple more.

Circle 4: All your AoE abilities have been turned off, they don't work in this circle. If you're in a 5-man group your DPS will have the chance to proove that they are more than just meter-makers. CC will be the name of the game, as well as skilled kiting methods as your DPS will need to use single-target spells only to down the many mobs here. But there are so many mobs your tank/healer combo wouldn't be able to last without the help of the DPS'ers finer, not so damaging CC skills. Good luck with this one.

Circle 6: Here your AoE spells are turned back on, but all your single-target damage spells are turned off. This will be more difficult for some classes than others, so a good class balance in your group will be essential. The trick here is that there will be 12 mobs that can only be damaged/killed by AoE damage spells. The caveat is that only 3 at a time can be killed. So the remaining groups of 3 will have to be CC'd at the same time that you are AoE'ing the first group. To help you out, your CC spells will last twice as long here, unless you go Heroic mode, then it's the same. There will be a mix of Undead and Humanoids, so you can sheep, frog, shackle, or whatever in this circle.

Circle 8: You'll need a skilled off-tank or kiter for this one. There will be two bosses only in this room. The first will be handled by the tank while the second must be off-tanked or kited. The trick here will be similar to the Safety Dance...oh now don't you go all elitist on me now. Heigan the Uncleen taught us something important, move or die. This will be the ultimate movement fight, but with two bosses needing to be kept far apart from each other while ooze, fire, ice, and other massive AoE spells of death whirl around your group in different directions. Your healer will have to be at his/her very best, keeping up the tank and off/kiter as well as him/herself and the remaining DPS...all while dodging twice as much bad stuff as any single group will have to. It will be the ultimate test in coordination and patience.

Circle 9: Finally we reach the end, the pinnacle (even though it's lower geographically than circle one) of the instance. Here will be the end-boss, the guy that gives the best loot, the one for which you will earn the achievement of passing through to the Ninth Circle of Hell. The fight is hard, but doable, and when you finish you find yourself completely satisfied at a job well done.

That is, of course, provided you had chosen to fight through all circles and not go all the way to the bottom. For those that fell to the temptations of the siren, you find yourself in the Boss' clutches. The difficulty level increases x50, essentially making it impossible to defeat the end boss. After wiping 5 times somebody tries to leave the group and is presented with this message.

"You are not allowed the pleasure of the Nine Circles of Paradise unless you pass through the ninth circle of hell. Try again."

So you try again, and again, and again, and after a while you find that the encounter is literally impossible. Not only that, but your hearth doesn't work, when you log out then log back in you're still there with your group. You can't get out!

This is the punishment for all those lazy, entitled, elitist, offending, trolling, criticizing, gogogogo-ing types that infest our WoW universe. They, like everyone else, were invited to see the perfect instance, without prior knowledge that it existed, and upon entering discovering what kind of person they are. They are stuck in the Ninth Circle saying to themselves and each other "What the Hell?"

Meanwhile, those willing to work for their achievements are saying "That was hell, but now I'm enjoying paradise."

That's right, maybe one day we can enjoy a game where tools and jerks and idiots and every other nasty, "ONLY GS + ACHIEVE MATTERS NOOB" person get what they deserve, and we can get some peace and quiet.

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