Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I bet you thought I would say ch-ch-ch-Changes, didn't you? Well here's some other things you did not expect.

Perhaps it’s out of fear of retribution (not Paladins, because let’s be honest, who’s afraid of those pansies?), perhaps out of an inability to express themselves, there are some Cataclysm changes that have not hit any of the boards or notes to the public. But thanks to my inside insider, who shall be named Mistermiss Insider, there are some changes fast approaching that we all need to be keenly aware of. The following is a list of some, not all of the remarkable changes to Cataclysm.


I. Mounts: All mounts will have their base color turned to brown. Via a silent partnership with UPS, it was requested of Blizzard that all land and air transportation be the same color as their trucks and planes. So when you climb on your Netherwing or Twilight drake, you’ll be greeted by your new mount with this phrase: “What can Brown, er, I do for you?”

II. Guild Banking: All guild members who either deposit or withdraw money from the guild bank will be assessed a Bank Access Fee, equal to 1% of the transaction or 10g, whichever is less. Additionally, to make the lives of all guild members more full and productive, guild bank ATM’s have been placed in strategic locations throughout Azeroth and Outlands. For an additional guild ATM fee, plus the deposit/withdraw Bank Access Fee, guildies will be able to access the boundless resources of your guild bank at no inconvenience to them. Now you can keep on questing without having to return to a capital city. Non-gold items will be charged a flat Access fee of 3% of median auction house prices or 15 gold, whichever is less.

III. Gear Repair. Coming are the days where it will cost as much for the stupid Warlock to repair his armor as the plate wearing tank or Rogue leather-wearing Fury Warrior. Added to the upcoming guild rewards is another feature sponsored by AIG Insurance. For a nominal fee of 500 gold per month, you can purchase access to Gear Repair Insurance, receiving an additional 25% off the costs of repairs. (Conditions: You must be in a full guild RAID. No healer may be in the same party as a tank. Any damage done outside the actual raid BOSS fight is not included in the discounts. The raid must have been scheduled and appeared on the guild calendar at least 3 days in advance. You may not have more than two Paladins in a 10-man and 4 in a 25-man raid group. Policy is void upon the inclusion of any class spec that only needs to push 3 buttons or less in their FULL rotation. These and other conditions as set by AIG will be enforced without remorse).

IV. Buff Food. All food that provides buffs will no longer be made available via the secondary profession of cooking. Now, thanks to McDonalds and their buff food training centers, you will be able to purchase reasonably priced value meals at Fast Buff Food kiosks outside all dungeons and raids in Cataclysm. You may choose less powerful buffs off the value menu (WotLK food), or the new and improved Cataclysm buff foods in the form of combos. With every 100 purchases you will receive a new toy in the mail. (Note: After buff food wears off you enter the receive a Bloated debuff that can only be removed by sitting in one spot for 30 minutes).

V. Mana Regen. Don’t believe everything you’ve read about mana regen in Cataclysm. Spirit isn’t the only way. No, thanks to the partnership of the NCAA and the NFL, now you will be able to purchase the Mana Hat. It’s a piece of head gear that provides two stylish canisters of mana attached to the sides of the head piece, with drinking tubes that run from the canisters to the caster’s mouth. Requires you to reach Exalted with the faction of your choice twice. Upon reaching exalted you can reset your reputation back to Neutral and begin the rep grind from the beginning. So choose your favorite grind and prepare for double the healing/casting fun with the Mana Hat.

VI. Flight Paths v Alternate Travel. Who would want to pollute the skies with the gaseous waste that has been proven to come from all breeds of dragon, bat, and gryphon. In Cataclysm, enjoy the freshness of electronic monorail trains and hovercrafts. Ecologically safe and environmentally friendly, it’s an acceptable tradeoff to immersion knowing your saving the planet from forces other than Deathwing.

VII. Government. Available to all who wish to participate, Cataclysm will introduce Realm-based elections. Run for your favorite office: President, Supreme Raid Leader, Gear Score Czar, Achievement Whore Director, Vice Troll, etc. It’ll be a new and fun way to express yourself and build more close and friendly communities…just like the good ‘ol Vanilla days where community mattered!!!

VIII. Stat Changes. Worried about stat conversion with the upcoming patch? We’ve got your stat changes right here:
a. Spellpower will become > Flower Power (For all those who love to love more than fight)
b. Critical Strike Chance > Raised hand but won’t actually hit you (for tanks who like to threaten but not actually do anything else)
c. Haste > Patience (for those who don’t want to take their time and catch the scenery)
d. Armor Penetration > Polite Knock (because barging in on someone is just rude)
e. Attack Power > Word Power (pen vs sword thing here)

I sincerely hope that I have been able to enlighten everyone as to the wonderful new additions to look forward to in Cataclysm. May you play and have fun any way you want as long as you choose (as long as it does not exceed 17% of your average work time or 13.5% of your average study time – otherwise no fun is guaranteed).


Syl said...

"you will be able to purchase the Mana Hat" -

LMAO, I'm so buying!! x)

and the hovercrafts are kinda overdue if you ask me, what have the gnomes been working on all these years in IF anyway?? time they delivered!

Gronthe said...

@ Syl: Indeed, what better way to travel without disturbing the plats, flowers or ocean waves than via hovercraft?

The Gnomes better produce it before the Goblins steal the idea from them!